WHINGERS - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

I think that there are too many people in this world who spend their energy complaining, instead of actually doing anything about what bothers them. I don't think I'm the only one.

I'm trying to be charitable about people, but honestly, that's getting more difficult by the day. I want to be compassionate, and giving, and understanding, but... how much am I supposed to put up with? Seriously?

I bust my arse every single day trying to make the world a better place - I know that sounds like hyperbole, but honestly, I do. And yet, certain publications (again, you KNOW who you are) can print things in whatever fucked up order or in whatever context they deem appropriate, and I'm supposed to think that's okay? Just let it slide? They can apologise in private, but publish no retraction, no mea culpa, NOTHING; but we're supposed to just cop that on the chin? So the smoke they've created (hinting at a hidden, unconfirmed fires) continues to permeate the community like some stinking, homophobic corpse?

It seems that every day, I'm hearing unfounded and ill-informed gossip from not only the media, but people who should KNOW better, about the way I and my colleagues do our job. I am the very first person to say, "Put it on paper, make a complaint!" if someone does the wrong thing, but it seems that all those people who like to gossip and fan the flames, thinking that constitutes a genuine grievance... well, they don't appear to have the balls to actually stand up for what they loudly and publicly (behind the screen of the media) allege they believe.

For the last month, all I've had to deal with is the media alleging that people complained about "heavy handed" policing at Sleaze Ball. I was there, working, as I've been for the last eight years. I was almost unable to do anything else but spend time with members of MY community as they told me how happy they were that I, and my (also screaming lesbian) colleague were there, looking after them.

We talked to people; loved the music; talked to my wonderful DJ friends; watched the crowd in case we saw someone in trouble; pointed people out to the absolutely amazing ACON rovers when we DID see them in trouble so they wouldn't feel overwhelmed by uniforms; gave out bottles of water; helped people to medical when needed, and were just generally THERE... Twelve hours of it! It was fantastic!

Or so I thought.

Apparently not.

According to the media (don't recall speaking to them, but still...), it was like Nazi Germany! Imagine my shock! I must have been BLIND to have missed this truly outrageous infringement of the civil rights of the GLBTI community! Cavity searches? Public strip searches? Where was I during all this?!

Oh. That's right.

I was RIGHT THERE. And it NEVER HAPPENED. Oh sure, I wasn't Jenny on the spot for every interaction, but I know those kids, and I know what they're like. No-one is perfect, but I'd stake my reputation that they were professional and courteous.

But that's okay; if you write articles for an inflammatory rag reporting about a party that's been struggling for relevance for years, well, that's just not good enough, is it?

That's okay. We'll still be there at three AM when someone breaks into your house. Or when your partner assaults you. Or when someone has to tell you a loved one has passed away.

Sometimes, I'm embarrassed to be a part of MY community, which saddens me beyond belief.

If only people could spend a tenth of the energy on building positive relationships as they do on tearing people down, I shudder to think what this world could achieve.

Oh, and P.S. I expressly FORBID any use of the opinions I've offered in this blog for any purpose.

They are my opinions, and if anyone who reads them thinks they can use them for any purpose other than what I intended (which is simply to vent my considerably overloaded spleen, in case it wasn't clear), then they are sadly mistaken. Do not even try me.

I Wonder Why It's Taking So Long?

I've had it up to my backteeth with Idol. Any Idol, but especially that 'homegrown' version of the same worldwide claptrap, Australian Idol.

Seriously folks, for a 'reality' T.V. show, the formula has become as boring and ordinary as any 'non-reality' show going around. From the very assumption that in Andrew G we have our own version of Ryan Seacrest is beyond laughable. Not that I mind the "G-Meister"; he's alright, not to mention, quite pretty.
I don't mind the judges either - they all know their way around the music biz. They all offer something to proceedings, to the 'hot, new Aussie talent'. All in all, they're not bad choices for a job such as that.

But check it - I reckon you could replay, oh let's say, Season 3 of Australian Idol and with just a bit of creative editing, most of Australia wouldn't twig until a good 2 thirds of the way through. My point is this; it's the same format, year in, year out. Just make a key change here and there, (musical director/co-host/judge) to 'keep it fresh!' and hey, apparently that gives channel 10 licence to keep serving up new versions of old leftovers.

Consider this - for all the 'Hot Young Talent', 'Fresh New Faces' & 'Voice Of A New Generation' they try to convince the viewing public that they're watching; why there's hardly a stayer amongst them! Even the winners seem to fade from view very quickly. Sure there's a few notable exceptions, but literally 1000's upon 1000's compete each year. The odds suggest there'd have to be a few MORE decent talented people than the ones deemed 'the best' by Idol's Powers That Be.

Is this how the Australian music industry has decided as a suitable way to foster Aussie musical talent? By discouraging entrants who play their own instruments or compose their own songs because they are too hard to shape and mold into what The Powers That Be consider suitable for the Bubble Gum, Throwaway Pop Music that ANY winner of Idol will be forced to generate until they can break free of the contractual obligations that they're forced into. OK, not FORCED so much as given the option of A)sign with us and we'll put out an album for you, or B)sign what amounts to a 'no-compete' clause, meaning you wait until no one can remember that you were on the show and then you can start at the bottom again. No free rides here. Don't think so? Where are all those 'Next Big Things' that were voted off weekly? Shit, what about some of the winners?

And to top it all off, they give the ultimate decision to the Australian Voting Public. Oh. My. God. As if.
Because that's what I'd do, for SO sure! I'd bring in a few industry 'experts' then ignore what they thought and let you decide. Fuck no.

So Channel 10 - if you are going to continue to ignore the opportunity to accumulate all that discarded talent for a weekly 'Young Talent Time' like show, shit I'll do it. I could be like, Johnny Young; except without the sweater vest. **wink, wink**

The Timely Demise Of Bridget Parker (Or Why TV Has Been Good To Me Lately)

Couldn't be happier that Bridget Parker is dead. Yeah that's right. I watch Neighbours.

I feel alright about it but, I'm not ashamed - especially when you compare it to pus like Home & Away. Not sure what it is about Summer Bay, but their ratio of good looking people to the ordinary heads (I'm thinking of YOU, Alf Stewart!) is off the map. Look at the English soaps. Hard to do, I know, for the simple reason that obviously appearance is not highly rated as a requirement for making it on the telly. Have you seen the collection of crones on those shows? My only real fear is that they DID pick the good looking ones - sort of makes me not want to go to England and find out. That, and the fact that it's almost as full of Poms as any Australian backpackers.

Let's get back to Bridget, or 'Didge' as she was also known. No offence to the girl who played her but seriously, she needs to watch some footage of herself. What the hell is with that expression? Angry, confused, dying, in love or in labour, that hangdog expression got a fair workout. It has to be the most vacant look I have seen since Baywatch went off the air. (Off the air - what is this the 50's???)
"Bridget you're pregnant/dying/getting married/grounded/you're assignments late/you're stupid kangaroo needs to be euthanised" and there was that same look like she has a small computer in her brain desperately trying to analyse the information. A small, slow computer. I reckon she might want to address that.

THE GREATEST "NO SHIT" FILE EVER

Serial. Does this shock anyone in the known world?

Huh.

My.... co-contributor has criticised me for posting links, but come ON. One of us has to have time to read the paper, yes?

He's a PARENT. He has a thousand things to do every day that I don't even have to consider.

I, on the other hand, get paid to read the shit that gets posted on every news site in the known world.

We do what we can :)

Ramble On. And On. And On.

Anybody here watch Channel 7 news? What the hell is going on with their wardrobe people? I am utterly flabbergasted (yes! used it!) that anyone could go wrong dressing someone like Chris Bath. I mean, my god it looks like someone's Nana got the gig in wardrobe. Seriously, she looks like she has turned up to see The Seekers at the local Services Club with the blue-rinse set. Chris Bath is gorgeous and elegant yet someone at Channel 7 seems convinced that puffy blouses, big-ass bows and frilly um,... frills are the way to go. I mean COME ON - it's not rocket surgery!
And poor Sharyn Ghidella and Samantha Armytage look as if they are getting Ms.Bath's hand-me-downs! Seriously, is someone a little jealous of these girls and is trying to make them look bad? I'm telling you - look at Ann Sanders. She always looks beautiful and classy.

Hmmmm......maybe it's her. I'd pay to see that - Ann Sanders vs Chris Bath. Oh yeah.


I'm so sick of the amount of people I encounter who are convinced the bailiff dude on Judge Judy is called "Burt". Um - NO! It's bloody BIRD. Petri-Hawkins Bird. Get it right. I will punch the next person I hear say it - man, woman, child, hippie - I dont care!

I don't like Stephanie Rice. At all. Why are swimmers treated as celebrities? It's not like their sport has any crossover potential - except maybe to becoming a commentator. And we need more of those.

I think that The Ashes, indeed all test cricket should be played until there is a result. Each team gets to bat out BOTH their innings, no matter how long it takes. What's the point of draws? It's like "Oh, we showed up to play but there was rain/poor light/not enough time, so we called it even". You may as well have not played at all. Man, if this was still the only form of the game, there would be no game. And yet they wonder why Twenty20 is so popular.

I read somewhere (I do know where but I won't take aim at YOU, Charlie Pickering!) about how blogging was a waste of time and bloggers were just bored people complaining. Not sure if that's EXACTLY how it was put, but it certainly had a negative vibe to it. I couldn't help but think to myself - isn't writing a weekly column for the print media, attempting to make it witty and funny THE EXACT SAME THING? Why is it any different? Because you're getting paid for doing yours? Makes you a professional somehow? If anything, it would serve to illustrate that the people who aren't getting paid for it would then be more passionate and honest in their views. I would think a comedian would be raiding blogs for material anyway. Ooooh bitchy!


Lastly - you know when you're watching something tragic and have to suppress the urge to laugh hysterically? I felt that way watching MJ dancing with his hair on fire on E!News today. Must have been all that Soul Glo.

NO DAISY OWL? NO FUN

Those of you who don't yet know Daisy Owl, well, you have not yet lived. Ben Driscoll is a bloody genius.

If I wasn't a giant lesbian (not, like, GIANT in size, just, you know, very MUCH a lesbian...oh, forget it...) I'd marry him tomorrow. I haven't spoken to him about it, of course, and such a funny and clever man probably has chicks draped all over him as he pumps out his awesome comic, but, anyway...

I loves me some Daisy Owl. Do yourself a favour, and check it out. Start at the beginning. You won't regret it. Promise :)

MORE FROM THE "NO SHIT?" FILE

Well. Here's ANOTHER surprise.

Apparently, (and brace yourselves, people) a US study has posited that boys with more "uncommon" names are more likely to end up in gaol, or run afoul of the law, or some such.

Hmmm... So what you're saying, you clever science types, is that young 'uns with, shall we say, names we might equate with a lower socio-economic group, like "Biyliinda" or "Sha-niya", or "Chiffon Amber" ( it happened yesterday, have a look, right here in lovely, downtown Botany) or oh, I don't know, "Jaiden / Jaydyn / Jai'deen", they might end up feeling the not so gentle end of the law enforcement stick?

Genius.

Not to be all Kath and Kim about it, but are these crazy, made-up names and spellings not almost solely the province of the population known as "bogan"?

So. NO SHIT, brainiacs.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

(You'll be pleased to know that in a stunning "fuck you", I broke a nail as soon as I posted this. Kudos, higher powers! I have been punished for my snobbery!)

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

I just want to make it perfectly clear that I will be posting from Bali in a few weeks, and those posts are likely to make you all SICK with JEALOUSY.

Don't be haters. Even though you ALL want to be there, being waited on hand and foot, sipping frosty cold draught Bintang and eating your body weight in delicious, delicious Indonesian food. With shopping and lying by the pool reading book after book thrown in. Oh, and sunset Mojito's and bottles of Veuve at Ku De Ta.

And there WILL be photos.

You've been warned.

OH HOW YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, CARIBOU BARBIE.

Oh, here is my laugh for this week.

Sarah Palin. I mean, she was my laugh for most of the US election, but now, NOW, she's all. "I'm resigning as Governor, cause, you know, it's all so POLITICAL and shit."

She may not have said "shit", exactly. She probably said something about being pro-life, or having a pregnant teenage daughter, and that being SO okay, or being a maverick, or shooting moose, or some shit like that.

So. What she's doing now is making me laugh EVEN MORE. You have to be kidding, you idiot. Do you really think, for a second, that you're gonna make a run at 2012? I mean, even if (hail) Obama absolutely fucks this term up (which he will not, we all know that), do you really think you'd have even the slightest chance? You're pretty, and all, but... do you not get how dumb we all think you are? How much we laughed our arses off at you? How much at least 80% of the WORLD would not allow you to put your cold, Alaskan finger on the button?

I know most Yanks are woefully broken in the international smarts department, but... PLEASE, bitch.

From The House of GRRRRRR.....

Lady GaGa. LMAO. I'm quite sure I don't know what the appeal is. For starters, her face is weirdly proportioned - I find her a bit off putting to look at; it's like there's something not quite right there but I'm not sure what it is. Her image confuses me - it's like Prince and Madonna had sex in 1985 with the guy from Cameo and Lady Gaga is what they produced. I'm SO sick of the assumption that slutty is sexy. It's not. It's just cheap and nasty and I'm no conservative. I suppose it's just too easy to be slutty looking - not so easy to be sexy. Those who have it, do it effortlessly - like Queen Latifah. She's sexy!
And musically, shit well you just have to look at how many singles they have released in such a short space of time and it ain't because they're all that good. It's is, simply put, adequate and average pop music. I mean if not her, it would be being spewed forth by some other person. But record labels aren't stupid. Greedy, but not stupid.
The real reason for the Glut of Gaga is that the labels are all too aware how fickle the music market is, especially pop music. If they don't strike while the iron is hot, they could potentially lose out on all those awesome $$$. Artists like Lady Gag-Me-With-A-Spoon are so disposable; so easily replaced but always, inevitably touted as THE NEXT BIG THING. They saturate the public through the media under the guise of TNBT but really it's about making hay while the sun shines.....whatever that means. ;)

Don't believe me?

Remember Vanessa Carlton? Vonda Shepard? Norah Jones?
Yeah - of course you do (I'm being overly generous here). Can you name they're latest hit? No you can't.

But those girls were not pop, more like navel-gazing 'serious' composition types. But I can go there.
Nick Lachey? Nick Carter? Jessica Simpson? 5ive? Vengaboys? Scott Cain?

Oh shit, I think I just keeled over laughing at that last one. But seriously - I had a hard time coming up with all those examples. Why? Because they are gone and forgotten but I still bet they all had die-hard fans who had them up on an inflated pedestal. OK, maybe not Scott Cain.

All i'm saying is before long Lady Gaga will be filling up the discount CD bins alongside other NEXT BIG THING's such as Baha Men, Eamon, Unkle Kracker and The Rembrandts.

Some more of what I think

I just got back from the doctors and besides it being "Bring Your Kids To The Doctor Day"(OK, so I was there with mine too), it always astounds me how some people, usually the ones in front of me, can take so friggin' long in there. What are they doing? OK, I know that when you get to be 90million years old you are bound to have health issues, but I'm convinced some of these people visit the doctors as an excuse to get out and about for a jolly old chinwag. Because if they're not already in there chatting with the doctor, they're jawing with each other in the waiting room, they're leaning on the reception counter yakking away, standing in the way of anyone who wants to just sign the bloody medicare thing and get the hell out of there. And they have the nerve to post signs to keep your kid's quiet and under control. Have you ever tried to mind your own business and read the "Kid's Say The Darndest Things" or "Life's Like That" section of a 1998 Readers Digest, when two half deaf old cobbers are having a conversation across the room to each other about the nature of a thier respective prostate problems? Gawd, give me strength!

This could be part of the reason I can't wait to get in there, to see the doctor. In any case, I can't see why it's necessary for me to be in there any longer than need be. I know what I'm there for - Bam! I'm out again. Bin-go ban-go, just like that. Plus I don't want to be around long enough to find out if there's anything wrong with me. Like, I can just imagine, you're at the doctor, almost at the door and he/she says something ominous like 'How long have you had that mole?' and start throwing around terms like, BIOPSY or MALIGNANT and I'm sorry - they're not words I need to hear in relation to myself. Sure, it might mean I die in some horribly painful fashion but I don't see any reason to push my luck.

You wanna know what I think?

I watch a lot of t.v. Some would say, I watch too much t.v., but I just can't help myself - cable, free2air, dvd's - there's just so much awesome stuff to watch. O.k. when I say awesome, I mean awesome to ME, at least. It's not really my fault that I enjoy stuff that some people just wouldn't even be able to sit through. A good case in point would be the fact that one of my all time favourite movies is Puberty Blues. I feel genuinely dissapointed if I wake up at 3:25 in the morning, only to catch the last 5 minutes of Carson's Law or Matlock Police. But that's ok - if I waited up until 4:30 I could catch an old G.P. episode. I guess I must be highly emotional at that time of the day, but I just didn't want that series to end - although I knew it was coming, what with the re-tooling and new cast members. When a show does that, it's never a good sign. So with a great deal of wistfulness I said goodbye to G.P.....and hello Police Rescue. Thank god I can get my Steve Bisley fix without watching Sea Patrol. Maybe when it's 20 years old I will but.

Another thing - what's with all this crap about COUGARS? You all know what I'm talking about - the OLDER woman and the YOUNGER man? Like Demi n Ashton. I saw a show "celebrating" the Top 20 Celebrity Cougars! I mean, what the....? Why is it when an older guy, let's say Michael Douglas for instance hooks up with someone younger, it's all "Eeewwww, he's SO old, that's so creepy", yet it's ok for the ladies?? Why? Is it because they're percieved as CLASSY OLDER DAMES who are going to TEACH THESE YOUNG BUCKS A THING OR TWO? You can't convince me that Ashton Kutcher isn't as much of a TROPHY WIFE/HUBBY/HANDBAG as Catherine Zeta-Jones. Hey, I'm not saying the love isn't there. But admit it - it's easier to love the one you're with if they look like that.

And another thing - just when is Tyra Banks going to piss back off to whatever planet she came from? If I have to watch her doing that "I'm so black and sassy" bullshit routine one more time....!

Hey, I don't care if those Kardashian girls are stupid or famous for being famous or whatever - I like looking at them. What hetero male doesn't feel the same? If you say you don't well, you're either one of two things -a)NOT hetero or b)lying to save your ass with your girlfriend. True fact.
What can I say? I like a fuller figured girl. Which would go a long way to explaining why I love Serena Williams. Man, I'd let her throw me around! Maybe that's it....the DANGER element. Like you do what you're told or get your ass kicked. And forget about it if you failed in bed - she'd probably break it off and not in the good way. Yee haw!

I'm Not Dead

Just a quick note to say to readers and posters alike: i'm not dead...just twitching a little. Actually, i'm moving house and therefore currently too exhausted to dream up witty banter for our collective amusement. But further to the witty banter stuff, didn't you realise, Robstar and Katemac, that I only invited you on here for my own amusement? How else was I going to get you to write stuff regularly that I could piss myself laughing at? Completely self-indulgent it was, and lucky for me you've been keeping up your end of the bargain. Please carry on.

Love,
Mimsy

OH, AND THIS...

Fuck you, Malcolm Turnbull!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa

Best. Political. Laugh. EVER.

REALLY?

Two things today from the "No Shit" file.

Firstly, this:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/entertainment/music/men-at-work-up-a-legal-gum-tree

No SHIT.

Was there anyone who hadn't already worked this out? Come ON. I mean, just listen to the opening ... bit. I'm not that clever on the musical terms front, okay?

Second, and this really made me chuckle:

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story

No shit, you TOOL.

Anyone who's ever had a tattoo knew you were making this shit up, KIMBERLEY. (IF that is in fact your REAL name... liar!) There's fucking Bandido's out there who couldn't "doze off" during a facial tattooing session! How did you think anyone would believe that an 18 year old Belgian housewife was gonna do it?

Although, if I had a dollar for every time I was misunderstood by a Flemish speaking tattooist...

Belgians. They're a strange lot.

As proof, I give you ... Tintin.

'nuff said.

I DON'T do spiders.

Pussy or not - I don't take very well to our eight legged friends. Even the reliable non-rent paying housemates, the fabled Daddy Long Legs, who I'm assured are THE MOST VENEMOUS spiders ever to be invented; yet - they don't possess fangs strong enough to break our awesomely vunerable human skin. Wow, what a relief.

But it still gets my mind going. I think about a book I read years ago by a guy called "Demo" Dick Marcinko. This guy was either the Chopper Read of the military world or, if not, JHC, the guy was bloody MacGuyver, Wolverine and Lorenzo Lamas' 'Renegade'. He related a story of swallowing whole the venom sacs of the dreaded COBRA (not the GI Joe one ;)). So where does my head go?

"That bloody daddy long legs better not come and lay it's eggs in my throat while I'm asleep" - (recalling yet another story I'd heard about the guy in the Thai prison who awoke to the sensation of bug eggs hatching in his neck) - ouch! - but at times, at least to me, somewhat plausible.

But that shit fucking PALES in comparison to what I experienced today. See, where I'm at...., well it seems we have a bit of a spider problem. It seems like where I live, the climate is pretty much perfect for for the octopods(yeah, I made it up). Most signifigantly, VENEMOUS spiders. More specifically FUCKING REDBACK SPIDERS.

These are my least favourite spiders - beating out that little sneaky funnel web, but not by much. ;p

I was sorting a box of stuff to give to charity(cos I'm so like, it's all about the helping), and I got to the bottom and 2 - FUCKING TWO!!! - redbacks were there to say hello. Thank Christ for the 'Homebrand Insect Killer'! I don't mind saying, I shat six shades of shit.

So where does my mind go now?

Holy shit - forget the Daddy Long Legs in the shower; I just brought a box up from yonder shed that turned out to have a MASSIVE SPIDER INFESTATION and I carelessly put that box on my bed????
I think I might burn the bed. Or the room.

Oh God, I better burn it all - to be sure.

I Wonder If Roberta Williams Is Single?

So much angst from Kate! Makes me feel like tying on the old flanno and breaking out my old grunge records. Ok, I don't have that many left really - all the best things from that era died like.....well, Chris Cornell's career or Pearl Jam's musical credibility. Lol, sounds like a Calvin Klein fragrance! And you all thought I was gonna reference Kurt Kablaam there didn't you?

I wasn't really that familiar with the Melbourne "Underworld War" being that I missed most of the first series of Underbelly and lived in a different state while it was happening, which pretty much means that anything of note happening in a different state is belittled or ignored by most media outlets. Like, our crime is SO much better or something.
So ok, I ordered a few books on the subject through my local library (or 'House of Nerd' as a friend of mine likes to say). First one to come in was My Story, the (auto)biography of Judy Moran. Let me say this; it was shite. From the first look at the cover, a shot of ol'Jude that could have ONLY come from 'Exclusive Photography' - y'know those glam shots with the soft focus lens doing favours for ordinary heads such as hers - I thought they'd given me the wrong book! It looks like a bloody romance novel or some such! Then, after putting up with the tedious story of her young life, which I had NO interest in, I had to put up with vague recollections of her (so she says) good boys, her sons Mark and Jason. I mean REALLY. Judy Moran claimed that she had NO IDEA what her sons did and she was just a normal suburban housewife.
A housewife who's 2 ex-partners and 2 sons were all gunned down. If that's the normal life of good people, then please I'm asking all the good people - STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

Ok, I wanted to read about the blood and guts stuff. I'm a simple man like that. Just a meat and potatoes type of guy.

So yeah, I have to say I found it interesting, hilarious and bewildering when I heard that Des 'Tuppence' Moran had (also) been gunned down in public only last week. Interesting because I don't recall old Judy mentioning him in the book at all - mind you, I was asleep through most of it. Bewildering that anyone should still be alive anyway with a nickname like Tuppence. Hilarious when I heard poor old innocent Judy Moran had been arrested in connection to the slaying.

When our dear KateMac says she could write it better, you better believe she's not kidding. The thing is, if you were a fiction writer, let's say oh, I don't know a CRIME fiction writer and you turned in the exact same story as a work of fiction, you would be told where you could file it in no uncertain terms.

And Kate - if you'd have cared to do your research you would discover that it's not the use of Neighbours off season actors; the casting agent simply went to the 'Obscure Former Soapie Stars' file (actually just a stack of old TV Week's) under the heading 'Will Act For Food' and BAM!!! They found Dieter Brummer.

RIGHT

Dudes. Serial. Am I the only motherfucker here? Have my posts stunned you all into silence? I mean, I'd like to believe that, with me being so smart and all, but FFS, get your shit together.

So, I'm totally reading the paper yesterday (as I am wont to do, pretty much all the time...) and I see that Judy Moran has been bail refused due to, amongst other things, her disturbing proximity to a lot of dead guys, and I have to question...

Does she have a hotline to the people making the Underbelly series?

...cause (and I'm just putting it out there...) it seems to me, as a bystander, if you wanted to get some more money from the less *ahem* selective amongst our media outlets, or wanted a new miniseries to be up all on the boil, you might, MAYBE, get your shit all up in some new scandal / underworld stuff / head-being-blown-off-a-kind-of-lame-ass-half-baked-crook -kinda thing?

Do you think though that if you DID do that, you might NOT have evidence of it in your HOUSE? Like, the clothes they were allegedly wearing, or shotguns, or other incriminating stuff? And I have to say, I'm only getting this from (my dear friends) the tabloids (who strangely seem to have an insight into search warrants and the like...), but did she really think that she was that untouchable? And can you even IMAGINE how many budding Bea Smith's there are waiting to take her on in the big house?

One can only speculate what else was in the house, as the damn thing burned down after she was taken into custody. Yes. Burned down. Mysteriously.

Even I could write that script, 'cause frankly, my hardest job would be finding the people to play the roles. And god knows, Neighbours is about to go into the off season, and there'll be plenty of junior Aussie actors just champing at the bit for some crazy dramatic action... I mean, if Matthew Newton can do it, it's pretty much a given that anyone else can...

I'M HUNGOVER AND CRANKY

You know what shits me? People.

Specifically, at this point in time, people who say things like, "Crime is so bad. Why would you report anything to the police, though? They never do anything!"

You know WHY, dickhead? Because you don't report it. And oddly, whatever else they may be accused of, the police aren't psychic. They can't even start to fix stuff if they don't know about it.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before...blah blah "corrupt" blahh blah "revenue raising" blah blah "go catch the real crooks". You're BORING. Just don't break the law, it's not hard. We don't live in a terrible place. The rules are not overly restrictive, and whilst you may not agree with them all, they are the price we pay for a relatively ordered society. It's called the social contract theory. Go look it up.

You know what else helps? When people like Miranda Devine write ill informed pieces like this.

No. That's fine, you pompous bitch. Police are putting their emotional, physical and spiritual well-being on the line every single day for ingrates like you, and you have the hide to spew out dross like this. Because YOU'D have the slightest idea what it's like to work in an underfunded, understaffed, under-appreciated, but utterly essential organisation which comes under constant criticism from people with no fucking clue, wouldn't you? Everyone's an armchair expert.

Easy to criticise when you don't have to go out and actually do the job, isn't it?

Grrrr.

Rant concluded.

The Kung Fu Mafia Killed Hong Kong Phooey Too!

Ever wondered what happened to Hong Kong Phooey? No, it wasn't a matter of poor ratings - on the contrary; perhaps HKP was just a little TOO popular - perhaps the Kung Fu Mafia got to him as well.....

As far as I'm aware (if movies and unauthorised biographies haven't lied to me), the T.V. series Kung Fu was actually developed for and with Bruce Lee, with the whole idea that he play the lead. In fact I believe it was originally Lee's concept. The story goes that Bruce Lee went overseas to shoot one of his awesome movies and when he returned, the producers had cast David Carradine as the wandering asian kung fu master.

Apparantly they thought Lee was "too asian" looking for American audiences. Mind you, it didn't seem to matter so much when they cast Lee as Kato in The Green Hornet T.V. series as he wore a mask most of the time.

So I'm wondering....maybe it was the ghost of Bruce Lee seeking revenge on Carradine for usurping the role that (might have) made Lee marginally more famous than he already is.

The REAL question is - maybe Carradine is not really dead? Maybe he's living in a Kung Fu Commune with Bruce and Brandon Lee, planning the final takedown of Chuck Norris? I mean, it sounds plausible right? They could be living just down the road from Elvis, Jim Morrison and Tupac.

WHAT THE...?

I'm filing this under the sub-heading "things that currently make me almost wet myself with amusement".

David Carradine. Oh my GOD. Are they kidding? A "kung fu conspiracy"? 

For those of you not currently up to date with this monumental tribute to denial, the late actors' family and manager are alleging that his death was not so much a solo-satisfaction session gone horribly (but, lets face it, somewhat predictably - you're 73, mate, your ticker can't have been in awesome shape...) wrong, as a mysterious conspiracy by some shady martial arts fraternity to keep the "Kill Bill" star from blabbing about their spooky kung fu secrets. 

I'm not normally a Tele reader, but this gives you some idea.

Really? Really? That's what you're going with? 

Look, I know it's kind of embarrassing, and not exactly the lasting image he would have been hoping for, but come on. 

I think, and I'm just throwing this out there, that if it had been me (the family, not the one in the closet...), I might just quietly bury the old dig and focus on his achievements, not try and guarantee even more lasting notoriety around the event by pulling a Kel Hutchence. No-one can be buying it, can they? They've even thrown something about Bruce Lee in there too. 

Yes. That's right. Bruce Lee. He died in like, 1973, right? Clearly proximate in time. I guess the whole "martial artist" thing is link enough. Oh! AND! Bruce Lee had ALSO auditioned for the role that Carradine would go on to win in "Kung Fu" or whatever the hell it was called. Spooky, huh?

I will evince no surprise to find, in coming days, additions to this tale of self-pleasure and woe - possibly involving Area 51, Roswell, something about Anna-Nicole Smith, the cast of "The Hills", the pod people, reverse vampires and.... wait. What was I talking about? 

Never mind.

Anyhoo, if it turns out he WAS in fact the victim of ninja-like nocturnal visitors, determined to give him a last hurrah before offing him to hide their secrets, I can only applaud their imagination. 

Grimshaw gains my respect.

Ok, let me start by saying, I've never been a big fan of Tracy Grimshaw. In fact, I've been no fan at all. But I have to say, while searching in vain for something decent to watch in the timeslot (ACA airs at 7pm where I am), I happened upon good ol' Grimshaw opening up her show with what at first sounded like anything else I hear on that show (or it's Ch7 equivalent) - yet another one sided response to a story already aired. Those shows can be like talkback radio - they always get the last word.

So anyway, I've been doing a bit of work on my negative behaviours lately, in particular Disliking People For No Real Reason. Tracy Grimshaw falls firmly into that category for me and I've no idea why I don't like her - she's really no worse than anyone else in the genre, I must admit. So, I gave what she had to say a listen.

At first I had no idea (because I tuned in late) who she was referring to; who the subject was about, nor who the offended party was. For all I knew she could have been reading a letter of reply from some other random person who had been misrepresented by the show. But as I listened I became drawn into what was obviously a very personal response to someone who had offended her - which as I said before can be par for the course for these shows - whip them with a stinging barb, from afar, and after the fact. Eventually it became clear who she was referring to - Gordon Ramsay.

Now I don't watch Gordon Ramsay's shows - it's not that I'm anti-reality show, nor am I particularly offended by the man. I just figure he's behaving like any other head chef, except he's on tv. And as I also mentioned, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf - not be such a 'hater' - as I believe the kids these days are calling it (if 'these days' means 10 years ago...).
To the credit of Ms.Tracy Grimshaw, what she said, although obviously carefully drafted, was sincere and honest. I liked the way she was completely upfront about how it made her feel and why she felt slighted by Ramsay's double standard. I had to agree with a lot of what she said and as far as Gordon Ramsay goes - if you are going to live by the sword, old mate, you gotta risk dying by it too.

You can check it out here -
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/823142/grimshaw-fires-back-at-gordon-ramsay


I'm just saying is all....... ;)

Say Goodbye to Sexy Times

Well this guy won't be getting any for quite some time methinks...some British wag has 'put his wife up for sale' after she nagged him once too often...brilliant move mate! That will endear you to the missus!

"Nagging Wife. No Tax, No MOT. Very high maintenance - some rust," wrote Gary Bates, 38, in a small ad in Trade-It, more usually used to buy and sell cars or household goods.

Oh you cheeky thing Gary!! The story has the whiff of bullshit about it however, as evidenced by the final line of the story...any fan of the politically incorrect Brit comic Viz will recognise this as one of their catch phrases on the bogus 'Letters to the Editor' page:

"But he said: "She's seen the funny side of it now, though!"

I'd be suprised if this whole story wasn't pulled straight from Viz actually. Must be a slow news day...

Half Assed

I've got several half-written pieces waiting to be finished and posted, but my keyboard is having one of its regular spack attacks and i'm lucky to get a few sentences out of the bastard thing without having to resort to a carefully choreographed routine of shaking it violently, wrenching out the USB stick and shoving it back in, shouting at it a bit, rolling the batteries back and forth "to wake them up", waving my hands over it in a faux-voodoo curse sort of way (it's pretty dumb so i'm sure it won't know the difference) shouting at it again for good measure, and then attempting to type again. AND STILL I am faced with line after line of gibberish looking something like "ssop ffr tttttth,wrtee o ooncce direxc.? WLKLaaa" That's a whole paragraph according to my keyboard by the way. Fucking wireless piece of crap.

So until I can manage to successfully point the bone at my keyboard and make it comply with my requests, I offer up this priceless example of sensitivity from the King of Crazy himself, Robert Mugabe. His delivering part of the eulogy at Susan Tsvangirai's funeral not only smacked of breathtaking insensitivity (a concept that admittedly hasn't bothered him too much in the past), but to then declare the crash that caused her death/murder as "the hand of God" at work really is just all kinds of fucked up.

I wonder did the hand of God then saunter over and extend itself to one of her six children, comforting them over their terrible loss??? Not that it would have bothered him but I guess it's a bonus that he could say this with a straight face AND convincingly pass a lie detector test afterward, as clearly this messianic nutbag has believed himself to be God for quite some time.

Where is an assassin's bullet when you need one?

Music To My Ears

Being an old lady, I don't get as much exposure to new music as I once did, which is why i'm totally in love with I LISTEN TO EVERYTHING, a fabulous new blog by Diana Miller, who works as a music booker for a late night talk show in the US. As someone who gets a little intimidated by the choice on offer whenever I attempt to buy CDs, so much so that I often leave with nothing (pathetic, I know) this site is a fantastic way to trawl through the incredible amount of great music out there, and hone in on anything that particularly takes your fancy.

The site doesn't just focus on the new stuff either - it's peppered with interesting resurrections of the oldies, from ubiquitous classics through to totally obscure artists and songs just waiting to be re-discovered. Her playlists are really varied and i'm having fun just going through them song by song, never having heard most of them before anyway, new or old. I must admit, even though i'd classify myself as a music lover in a general sense, my personal back catalogue leaves a lot to be desired, so this is my fabulous new passport to hipdom, kids. CHECK IT!

There are links provided so you can purchase the songs on iTunes, but i've discovered alot of them are not yet available in Australia...can't say i'm really bothered by this as i've never purchased a song or album on iTunes anyway! For me, this site is just a fantastic way to become familiar with music i've never heard before, and artists that would never have been on my radar otherwise, so I actually know what i'm looking for next time I go shopping for music.

And let's face it...now i'm getting on in years, I can use all the help I can get.

Tool Time

I've always thought Justin Hemmes was a major tosser so I found this article a most enjoyable read. Rumours have been circulating that business is way down on expectations at the wank-fest known as 'The Ivy', a massive playground for the spoiled and cashed-up in Sydney's CBD. Given the enormous cost of the development, which by all accounts stretched the family empire to its very limit, this would be creating a bit of a headache for pub and nightclub scion Hemmes...my heart bleeds!

In the current economic climate, it can't be doing too much for the old Merivale ticker to find some young and brazen upstart nipping at their heels, providing a rival 'pool club' environment against the far more weekend-friendly backdrop of Bondi Beach. Well, good luck to them both I say, and may the least pretentious win...a big ask in Sydney, but I can dream, can't I.

Break A Leg

I am loving this story about a guy who tired to smuggle drugs in a novel way - in a leg cast made of cocaine! Good times! You'd think the cocaine cast would have been enough for the guy, but he was also carrying several beer cans and a couple of hollowed-out stools filled with coke - c'mon man, that's just greedy! The most fucked up part was that his leg was actually broken, and police suspect the break may have been deliberate, in order to make the ruse look more convincing...

I hope he got to have some of the coke before they broke his leg.

Sweet Relief

How nice is this story? Bush fire relief has never been so sweet, thanks to a practical and community-minded initiative by a Hobart mother called 'Jam Aid'. I'll confess it bought a little tear to my eye this morning (may not be just the story, i'm feeling a bit over-emotional lately for various personal reasons, but as a rule i'm a bit of a sop when it comes to stuff like this) and I think i'm going to make the effort to get down to Prahran Market today to buy a jar.

Mmmmm...jam and croissants for breakfast tomorrow I think! Anyone care to join me?

My Confession

I wrote this film review on 'Confessions of A Shopaholic'.

Brisbane or Bust

I just read a very entertaining article by Augusten Burroughs from the most recent 'Weekend Australian' magazine. It was a rare ode to our oft-derrided northern capital, Brisbane, and even more notable coming as it did from a New Yorker. Imagine that if you will - a New Yorker expounding the virtues of this shiny ingenue of a city, described by many southerners as scarcely more than a jumped-up country town! Perhaps us southerners need to head north for a bit of a fresh look, and pull our heads out of our arses on the way...

My very favourite quote occurs at the end of the piece, and had me laughing out loud as I sat here at work trying to look otherwise gainfully occupied:

"Brisbane is Cindy Crawford sitting on the porch reading a book, while plump older sister Sydney tap-dances on the sidewalk in a leotard that's too tight, hoping a talent agent drives by. Melbourne is the moody, black-haired sister lurking behind the tree with her volume of Sylvia Plath poems, making smartarse notes in her notebook and unable to decide which is worse: beauty or ambition."

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...and it's funny because it's true! I sent this onto a couple of my work colleagues, one of whom responded with "Melbourne's an EMO?!?" The only truthful response I could make as one who has now spent significant amounts of time living in all three cities was that yes, Melbourne is DEFINITELY an Emo.

Sorry about that Melbourne!!