Some more of what I think

I just got back from the doctors and besides it being "Bring Your Kids To The Doctor Day"(OK, so I was there with mine too), it always astounds me how some people, usually the ones in front of me, can take so friggin' long in there. What are they doing? OK, I know that when you get to be 90million years old you are bound to have health issues, but I'm convinced some of these people visit the doctors as an excuse to get out and about for a jolly old chinwag. Because if they're not already in there chatting with the doctor, they're jawing with each other in the waiting room, they're leaning on the reception counter yakking away, standing in the way of anyone who wants to just sign the bloody medicare thing and get the hell out of there. And they have the nerve to post signs to keep your kid's quiet and under control. Have you ever tried to mind your own business and read the "Kid's Say The Darndest Things" or "Life's Like That" section of a 1998 Readers Digest, when two half deaf old cobbers are having a conversation across the room to each other about the nature of a thier respective prostate problems? Gawd, give me strength!

This could be part of the reason I can't wait to get in there, to see the doctor. In any case, I can't see why it's necessary for me to be in there any longer than need be. I know what I'm there for - Bam! I'm out again. Bin-go ban-go, just like that. Plus I don't want to be around long enough to find out if there's anything wrong with me. Like, I can just imagine, you're at the doctor, almost at the door and he/she says something ominous like 'How long have you had that mole?' and start throwing around terms like, BIOPSY or MALIGNANT and I'm sorry - they're not words I need to hear in relation to myself. Sure, it might mean I die in some horribly painful fashion but I don't see any reason to push my luck.

You wanna know what I think?

I watch a lot of t.v. Some would say, I watch too much t.v., but I just can't help myself - cable, free2air, dvd's - there's just so much awesome stuff to watch. O.k. when I say awesome, I mean awesome to ME, at least. It's not really my fault that I enjoy stuff that some people just wouldn't even be able to sit through. A good case in point would be the fact that one of my all time favourite movies is Puberty Blues. I feel genuinely dissapointed if I wake up at 3:25 in the morning, only to catch the last 5 minutes of Carson's Law or Matlock Police. But that's ok - if I waited up until 4:30 I could catch an old G.P. episode. I guess I must be highly emotional at that time of the day, but I just didn't want that series to end - although I knew it was coming, what with the re-tooling and new cast members. When a show does that, it's never a good sign. So with a great deal of wistfulness I said goodbye to G.P.....and hello Police Rescue. Thank god I can get my Steve Bisley fix without watching Sea Patrol. Maybe when it's 20 years old I will but.

Another thing - what's with all this crap about COUGARS? You all know what I'm talking about - the OLDER woman and the YOUNGER man? Like Demi n Ashton. I saw a show "celebrating" the Top 20 Celebrity Cougars! I mean, what the....? Why is it when an older guy, let's say Michael Douglas for instance hooks up with someone younger, it's all "Eeewwww, he's SO old, that's so creepy", yet it's ok for the ladies?? Why? Is it because they're percieved as CLASSY OLDER DAMES who are going to TEACH THESE YOUNG BUCKS A THING OR TWO? You can't convince me that Ashton Kutcher isn't as much of a TROPHY WIFE/HUBBY/HANDBAG as Catherine Zeta-Jones. Hey, I'm not saying the love isn't there. But admit it - it's easier to love the one you're with if they look like that.

And another thing - just when is Tyra Banks going to piss back off to whatever planet she came from? If I have to watch her doing that "I'm so black and sassy" bullshit routine one more time....!

Hey, I don't care if those Kardashian girls are stupid or famous for being famous or whatever - I like looking at them. What hetero male doesn't feel the same? If you say you don't well, you're either one of two things -a)NOT hetero or b)lying to save your ass with your girlfriend. True fact.
What can I say? I like a fuller figured girl. Which would go a long way to explaining why I love Serena Williams. Man, I'd let her throw me around! Maybe that's it....the DANGER element. Like you do what you're told or get your ass kicked. And forget about it if you failed in bed - she'd probably break it off and not in the good way. Yee haw!

I'm Not Dead

Just a quick note to say to readers and posters alike: i'm not dead...just twitching a little. Actually, i'm moving house and therefore currently too exhausted to dream up witty banter for our collective amusement. But further to the witty banter stuff, didn't you realise, Robstar and Katemac, that I only invited you on here for my own amusement? How else was I going to get you to write stuff regularly that I could piss myself laughing at? Completely self-indulgent it was, and lucky for me you've been keeping up your end of the bargain. Please carry on.

Love,
Mimsy

OH, AND THIS...

Fuck you, Malcolm Turnbull!! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa

Best. Political. Laugh. EVER.

REALLY?

Two things today from the "No Shit" file.

Firstly, this:

http://www.smh.com.au/news/entertainment/music/men-at-work-up-a-legal-gum-tree

No SHIT.

Was there anyone who hadn't already worked this out? Come ON. I mean, just listen to the opening ... bit. I'm not that clever on the musical terms front, okay?

Second, and this really made me chuckle:

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story

No shit, you TOOL.

Anyone who's ever had a tattoo knew you were making this shit up, KIMBERLEY. (IF that is in fact your REAL name... liar!) There's fucking Bandido's out there who couldn't "doze off" during a facial tattooing session! How did you think anyone would believe that an 18 year old Belgian housewife was gonna do it?

Although, if I had a dollar for every time I was misunderstood by a Flemish speaking tattooist...

Belgians. They're a strange lot.

As proof, I give you ... Tintin.

'nuff said.

I DON'T do spiders.

Pussy or not - I don't take very well to our eight legged friends. Even the reliable non-rent paying housemates, the fabled Daddy Long Legs, who I'm assured are THE MOST VENEMOUS spiders ever to be invented; yet - they don't possess fangs strong enough to break our awesomely vunerable human skin. Wow, what a relief.

But it still gets my mind going. I think about a book I read years ago by a guy called "Demo" Dick Marcinko. This guy was either the Chopper Read of the military world or, if not, JHC, the guy was bloody MacGuyver, Wolverine and Lorenzo Lamas' 'Renegade'. He related a story of swallowing whole the venom sacs of the dreaded COBRA (not the GI Joe one ;)). So where does my head go?

"That bloody daddy long legs better not come and lay it's eggs in my throat while I'm asleep" - (recalling yet another story I'd heard about the guy in the Thai prison who awoke to the sensation of bug eggs hatching in his neck) - ouch! - but at times, at least to me, somewhat plausible.

But that shit fucking PALES in comparison to what I experienced today. See, where I'm at...., well it seems we have a bit of a spider problem. It seems like where I live, the climate is pretty much perfect for for the octopods(yeah, I made it up). Most signifigantly, VENEMOUS spiders. More specifically FUCKING REDBACK SPIDERS.

These are my least favourite spiders - beating out that little sneaky funnel web, but not by much. ;p

I was sorting a box of stuff to give to charity(cos I'm so like, it's all about the helping), and I got to the bottom and 2 - FUCKING TWO!!! - redbacks were there to say hello. Thank Christ for the 'Homebrand Insect Killer'! I don't mind saying, I shat six shades of shit.

So where does my mind go now?

Holy shit - forget the Daddy Long Legs in the shower; I just brought a box up from yonder shed that turned out to have a MASSIVE SPIDER INFESTATION and I carelessly put that box on my bed????
I think I might burn the bed. Or the room.

Oh God, I better burn it all - to be sure.

I Wonder If Roberta Williams Is Single?

So much angst from Kate! Makes me feel like tying on the old flanno and breaking out my old grunge records. Ok, I don't have that many left really - all the best things from that era died like.....well, Chris Cornell's career or Pearl Jam's musical credibility. Lol, sounds like a Calvin Klein fragrance! And you all thought I was gonna reference Kurt Kablaam there didn't you?

I wasn't really that familiar with the Melbourne "Underworld War" being that I missed most of the first series of Underbelly and lived in a different state while it was happening, which pretty much means that anything of note happening in a different state is belittled or ignored by most media outlets. Like, our crime is SO much better or something.
So ok, I ordered a few books on the subject through my local library (or 'House of Nerd' as a friend of mine likes to say). First one to come in was My Story, the (auto)biography of Judy Moran. Let me say this; it was shite. From the first look at the cover, a shot of ol'Jude that could have ONLY come from 'Exclusive Photography' - y'know those glam shots with the soft focus lens doing favours for ordinary heads such as hers - I thought they'd given me the wrong book! It looks like a bloody romance novel or some such! Then, after putting up with the tedious story of her young life, which I had NO interest in, I had to put up with vague recollections of her (so she says) good boys, her sons Mark and Jason. I mean REALLY. Judy Moran claimed that she had NO IDEA what her sons did and she was just a normal suburban housewife.
A housewife who's 2 ex-partners and 2 sons were all gunned down. If that's the normal life of good people, then please I'm asking all the good people - STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

Ok, I wanted to read about the blood and guts stuff. I'm a simple man like that. Just a meat and potatoes type of guy.

So yeah, I have to say I found it interesting, hilarious and bewildering when I heard that Des 'Tuppence' Moran had (also) been gunned down in public only last week. Interesting because I don't recall old Judy mentioning him in the book at all - mind you, I was asleep through most of it. Bewildering that anyone should still be alive anyway with a nickname like Tuppence. Hilarious when I heard poor old innocent Judy Moran had been arrested in connection to the slaying.

When our dear KateMac says she could write it better, you better believe she's not kidding. The thing is, if you were a fiction writer, let's say oh, I don't know a CRIME fiction writer and you turned in the exact same story as a work of fiction, you would be told where you could file it in no uncertain terms.

And Kate - if you'd have cared to do your research you would discover that it's not the use of Neighbours off season actors; the casting agent simply went to the 'Obscure Former Soapie Stars' file (actually just a stack of old TV Week's) under the heading 'Will Act For Food' and BAM!!! They found Dieter Brummer.

RIGHT

Dudes. Serial. Am I the only motherfucker here? Have my posts stunned you all into silence? I mean, I'd like to believe that, with me being so smart and all, but FFS, get your shit together.

So, I'm totally reading the paper yesterday (as I am wont to do, pretty much all the time...) and I see that Judy Moran has been bail refused due to, amongst other things, her disturbing proximity to a lot of dead guys, and I have to question...

Does she have a hotline to the people making the Underbelly series?

...cause (and I'm just putting it out there...) it seems to me, as a bystander, if you wanted to get some more money from the less *ahem* selective amongst our media outlets, or wanted a new miniseries to be up all on the boil, you might, MAYBE, get your shit all up in some new scandal / underworld stuff / head-being-blown-off-a-kind-of-lame-ass-half-baked-crook -kinda thing?

Do you think though that if you DID do that, you might NOT have evidence of it in your HOUSE? Like, the clothes they were allegedly wearing, or shotguns, or other incriminating stuff? And I have to say, I'm only getting this from (my dear friends) the tabloids (who strangely seem to have an insight into search warrants and the like...), but did she really think that she was that untouchable? And can you even IMAGINE how many budding Bea Smith's there are waiting to take her on in the big house?

One can only speculate what else was in the house, as the damn thing burned down after she was taken into custody. Yes. Burned down. Mysteriously.

Even I could write that script, 'cause frankly, my hardest job would be finding the people to play the roles. And god knows, Neighbours is about to go into the off season, and there'll be plenty of junior Aussie actors just champing at the bit for some crazy dramatic action... I mean, if Matthew Newton can do it, it's pretty much a given that anyone else can...

I'M HUNGOVER AND CRANKY

You know what shits me? People.

Specifically, at this point in time, people who say things like, "Crime is so bad. Why would you report anything to the police, though? They never do anything!"

You know WHY, dickhead? Because you don't report it. And oddly, whatever else they may be accused of, the police aren't psychic. They can't even start to fix stuff if they don't know about it.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before...blah blah "corrupt" blahh blah "revenue raising" blah blah "go catch the real crooks". You're BORING. Just don't break the law, it's not hard. We don't live in a terrible place. The rules are not overly restrictive, and whilst you may not agree with them all, they are the price we pay for a relatively ordered society. It's called the social contract theory. Go look it up.

You know what else helps? When people like Miranda Devine write ill informed pieces like this.

No. That's fine, you pompous bitch. Police are putting their emotional, physical and spiritual well-being on the line every single day for ingrates like you, and you have the hide to spew out dross like this. Because YOU'D have the slightest idea what it's like to work in an underfunded, understaffed, under-appreciated, but utterly essential organisation which comes under constant criticism from people with no fucking clue, wouldn't you? Everyone's an armchair expert.

Easy to criticise when you don't have to go out and actually do the job, isn't it?

Grrrr.

Rant concluded.

The Kung Fu Mafia Killed Hong Kong Phooey Too!

Ever wondered what happened to Hong Kong Phooey? No, it wasn't a matter of poor ratings - on the contrary; perhaps HKP was just a little TOO popular - perhaps the Kung Fu Mafia got to him as well.....

As far as I'm aware (if movies and unauthorised biographies haven't lied to me), the T.V. series Kung Fu was actually developed for and with Bruce Lee, with the whole idea that he play the lead. In fact I believe it was originally Lee's concept. The story goes that Bruce Lee went overseas to shoot one of his awesome movies and when he returned, the producers had cast David Carradine as the wandering asian kung fu master.

Apparantly they thought Lee was "too asian" looking for American audiences. Mind you, it didn't seem to matter so much when they cast Lee as Kato in The Green Hornet T.V. series as he wore a mask most of the time.

So I'm wondering....maybe it was the ghost of Bruce Lee seeking revenge on Carradine for usurping the role that (might have) made Lee marginally more famous than he already is.

The REAL question is - maybe Carradine is not really dead? Maybe he's living in a Kung Fu Commune with Bruce and Brandon Lee, planning the final takedown of Chuck Norris? I mean, it sounds plausible right? They could be living just down the road from Elvis, Jim Morrison and Tupac.

WHAT THE...?

I'm filing this under the sub-heading "things that currently make me almost wet myself with amusement".

David Carradine. Oh my GOD. Are they kidding? A "kung fu conspiracy"? 

For those of you not currently up to date with this monumental tribute to denial, the late actors' family and manager are alleging that his death was not so much a solo-satisfaction session gone horribly (but, lets face it, somewhat predictably - you're 73, mate, your ticker can't have been in awesome shape...) wrong, as a mysterious conspiracy by some shady martial arts fraternity to keep the "Kill Bill" star from blabbing about their spooky kung fu secrets. 

I'm not normally a Tele reader, but this gives you some idea.

Really? Really? That's what you're going with? 

Look, I know it's kind of embarrassing, and not exactly the lasting image he would have been hoping for, but come on. 

I think, and I'm just throwing this out there, that if it had been me (the family, not the one in the closet...), I might just quietly bury the old dig and focus on his achievements, not try and guarantee even more lasting notoriety around the event by pulling a Kel Hutchence. No-one can be buying it, can they? They've even thrown something about Bruce Lee in there too. 

Yes. That's right. Bruce Lee. He died in like, 1973, right? Clearly proximate in time. I guess the whole "martial artist" thing is link enough. Oh! AND! Bruce Lee had ALSO auditioned for the role that Carradine would go on to win in "Kung Fu" or whatever the hell it was called. Spooky, huh?

I will evince no surprise to find, in coming days, additions to this tale of self-pleasure and woe - possibly involving Area 51, Roswell, something about Anna-Nicole Smith, the cast of "The Hills", the pod people, reverse vampires and.... wait. What was I talking about? 

Never mind.

Anyhoo, if it turns out he WAS in fact the victim of ninja-like nocturnal visitors, determined to give him a last hurrah before offing him to hide their secrets, I can only applaud their imagination. 

Grimshaw gains my respect.

Ok, let me start by saying, I've never been a big fan of Tracy Grimshaw. In fact, I've been no fan at all. But I have to say, while searching in vain for something decent to watch in the timeslot (ACA airs at 7pm where I am), I happened upon good ol' Grimshaw opening up her show with what at first sounded like anything else I hear on that show (or it's Ch7 equivalent) - yet another one sided response to a story already aired. Those shows can be like talkback radio - they always get the last word.

So anyway, I've been doing a bit of work on my negative behaviours lately, in particular Disliking People For No Real Reason. Tracy Grimshaw falls firmly into that category for me and I've no idea why I don't like her - she's really no worse than anyone else in the genre, I must admit. So, I gave what she had to say a listen.

At first I had no idea (because I tuned in late) who she was referring to; who the subject was about, nor who the offended party was. For all I knew she could have been reading a letter of reply from some other random person who had been misrepresented by the show. But as I listened I became drawn into what was obviously a very personal response to someone who had offended her - which as I said before can be par for the course for these shows - whip them with a stinging barb, from afar, and after the fact. Eventually it became clear who she was referring to - Gordon Ramsay.

Now I don't watch Gordon Ramsay's shows - it's not that I'm anti-reality show, nor am I particularly offended by the man. I just figure he's behaving like any other head chef, except he's on tv. And as I also mentioned, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf - not be such a 'hater' - as I believe the kids these days are calling it (if 'these days' means 10 years ago...).
To the credit of Ms.Tracy Grimshaw, what she said, although obviously carefully drafted, was sincere and honest. I liked the way she was completely upfront about how it made her feel and why she felt slighted by Ramsay's double standard. I had to agree with a lot of what she said and as far as Gordon Ramsay goes - if you are going to live by the sword, old mate, you gotta risk dying by it too.

You can check it out here -
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/823142/grimshaw-fires-back-at-gordon-ramsay


I'm just saying is all....... ;)