I Wonder Why It's Taking So Long?

I've had it up to my backteeth with Idol. Any Idol, but especially that 'homegrown' version of the same worldwide claptrap, Australian Idol.

Seriously folks, for a 'reality' T.V. show, the formula has become as boring and ordinary as any 'non-reality' show going around. From the very assumption that in Andrew G we have our own version of Ryan Seacrest is beyond laughable. Not that I mind the "G-Meister"; he's alright, not to mention, quite pretty.
I don't mind the judges either - they all know their way around the music biz. They all offer something to proceedings, to the 'hot, new Aussie talent'. All in all, they're not bad choices for a job such as that.

But check it - I reckon you could replay, oh let's say, Season 3 of Australian Idol and with just a bit of creative editing, most of Australia wouldn't twig until a good 2 thirds of the way through. My point is this; it's the same format, year in, year out. Just make a key change here and there, (musical director/co-host/judge) to 'keep it fresh!' and hey, apparently that gives channel 10 licence to keep serving up new versions of old leftovers.

Consider this - for all the 'Hot Young Talent', 'Fresh New Faces' & 'Voice Of A New Generation' they try to convince the viewing public that they're watching; why there's hardly a stayer amongst them! Even the winners seem to fade from view very quickly. Sure there's a few notable exceptions, but literally 1000's upon 1000's compete each year. The odds suggest there'd have to be a few MORE decent talented people than the ones deemed 'the best' by Idol's Powers That Be.

Is this how the Australian music industry has decided as a suitable way to foster Aussie musical talent? By discouraging entrants who play their own instruments or compose their own songs because they are too hard to shape and mold into what The Powers That Be consider suitable for the Bubble Gum, Throwaway Pop Music that ANY winner of Idol will be forced to generate until they can break free of the contractual obligations that they're forced into. OK, not FORCED so much as given the option of A)sign with us and we'll put out an album for you, or B)sign what amounts to a 'no-compete' clause, meaning you wait until no one can remember that you were on the show and then you can start at the bottom again. No free rides here. Don't think so? Where are all those 'Next Big Things' that were voted off weekly? Shit, what about some of the winners?

And to top it all off, they give the ultimate decision to the Australian Voting Public. Oh. My. God. As if.
Because that's what I'd do, for SO sure! I'd bring in a few industry 'experts' then ignore what they thought and let you decide. Fuck no.

So Channel 10 - if you are going to continue to ignore the opportunity to accumulate all that discarded talent for a weekly 'Young Talent Time' like show, shit I'll do it. I could be like, Johnny Young; except without the sweater vest. **wink, wink**

The Timely Demise Of Bridget Parker (Or Why TV Has Been Good To Me Lately)

Couldn't be happier that Bridget Parker is dead. Yeah that's right. I watch Neighbours.

I feel alright about it but, I'm not ashamed - especially when you compare it to pus like Home & Away. Not sure what it is about Summer Bay, but their ratio of good looking people to the ordinary heads (I'm thinking of YOU, Alf Stewart!) is off the map. Look at the English soaps. Hard to do, I know, for the simple reason that obviously appearance is not highly rated as a requirement for making it on the telly. Have you seen the collection of crones on those shows? My only real fear is that they DID pick the good looking ones - sort of makes me not want to go to England and find out. That, and the fact that it's almost as full of Poms as any Australian backpackers.

Let's get back to Bridget, or 'Didge' as she was also known. No offence to the girl who played her but seriously, she needs to watch some footage of herself. What the hell is with that expression? Angry, confused, dying, in love or in labour, that hangdog expression got a fair workout. It has to be the most vacant look I have seen since Baywatch went off the air. (Off the air - what is this the 50's???)
"Bridget you're pregnant/dying/getting married/grounded/you're assignments late/you're stupid kangaroo needs to be euthanised" and there was that same look like she has a small computer in her brain desperately trying to analyse the information. A small, slow computer. I reckon she might want to address that.

THE GREATEST "NO SHIT" FILE EVER

Serial. Does this shock anyone in the known world?

Huh.

My.... co-contributor has criticised me for posting links, but come ON. One of us has to have time to read the paper, yes?

He's a PARENT. He has a thousand things to do every day that I don't even have to consider.

I, on the other hand, get paid to read the shit that gets posted on every news site in the known world.

We do what we can :)

Ramble On. And On. And On.

Anybody here watch Channel 7 news? What the hell is going on with their wardrobe people? I am utterly flabbergasted (yes! used it!) that anyone could go wrong dressing someone like Chris Bath. I mean, my god it looks like someone's Nana got the gig in wardrobe. Seriously, she looks like she has turned up to see The Seekers at the local Services Club with the blue-rinse set. Chris Bath is gorgeous and elegant yet someone at Channel 7 seems convinced that puffy blouses, big-ass bows and frilly um,... frills are the way to go. I mean COME ON - it's not rocket surgery!
And poor Sharyn Ghidella and Samantha Armytage look as if they are getting Ms.Bath's hand-me-downs! Seriously, is someone a little jealous of these girls and is trying to make them look bad? I'm telling you - look at Ann Sanders. She always looks beautiful and classy.

Hmmmm......maybe it's her. I'd pay to see that - Ann Sanders vs Chris Bath. Oh yeah.


I'm so sick of the amount of people I encounter who are convinced the bailiff dude on Judge Judy is called "Burt". Um - NO! It's bloody BIRD. Petri-Hawkins Bird. Get it right. I will punch the next person I hear say it - man, woman, child, hippie - I dont care!

I don't like Stephanie Rice. At all. Why are swimmers treated as celebrities? It's not like their sport has any crossover potential - except maybe to becoming a commentator. And we need more of those.

I think that The Ashes, indeed all test cricket should be played until there is a result. Each team gets to bat out BOTH their innings, no matter how long it takes. What's the point of draws? It's like "Oh, we showed up to play but there was rain/poor light/not enough time, so we called it even". You may as well have not played at all. Man, if this was still the only form of the game, there would be no game. And yet they wonder why Twenty20 is so popular.

I read somewhere (I do know where but I won't take aim at YOU, Charlie Pickering!) about how blogging was a waste of time and bloggers were just bored people complaining. Not sure if that's EXACTLY how it was put, but it certainly had a negative vibe to it. I couldn't help but think to myself - isn't writing a weekly column for the print media, attempting to make it witty and funny THE EXACT SAME THING? Why is it any different? Because you're getting paid for doing yours? Makes you a professional somehow? If anything, it would serve to illustrate that the people who aren't getting paid for it would then be more passionate and honest in their views. I would think a comedian would be raiding blogs for material anyway. Ooooh bitchy!


Lastly - you know when you're watching something tragic and have to suppress the urge to laugh hysterically? I felt that way watching MJ dancing with his hair on fire on E!News today. Must have been all that Soul Glo.

NO DAISY OWL? NO FUN

Those of you who don't yet know Daisy Owl, well, you have not yet lived. Ben Driscoll is a bloody genius.

If I wasn't a giant lesbian (not, like, GIANT in size, just, you know, very MUCH a lesbian...oh, forget it...) I'd marry him tomorrow. I haven't spoken to him about it, of course, and such a funny and clever man probably has chicks draped all over him as he pumps out his awesome comic, but, anyway...

I loves me some Daisy Owl. Do yourself a favour, and check it out. Start at the beginning. You won't regret it. Promise :)

MORE FROM THE "NO SHIT?" FILE

Well. Here's ANOTHER surprise.

Apparently, (and brace yourselves, people) a US study has posited that boys with more "uncommon" names are more likely to end up in gaol, or run afoul of the law, or some such.

Hmmm... So what you're saying, you clever science types, is that young 'uns with, shall we say, names we might equate with a lower socio-economic group, like "Biyliinda" or "Sha-niya", or "Chiffon Amber" ( it happened yesterday, have a look, right here in lovely, downtown Botany) or oh, I don't know, "Jaiden / Jaydyn / Jai'deen", they might end up feeling the not so gentle end of the law enforcement stick?

Genius.

Not to be all Kath and Kim about it, but are these crazy, made-up names and spellings not almost solely the province of the population known as "bogan"?

So. NO SHIT, brainiacs.

Prove me wrong, kids. Prove me wrong.

(You'll be pleased to know that in a stunning "fuck you", I broke a nail as soon as I posted this. Kudos, higher powers! I have been punished for my snobbery!)

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT

I just want to make it perfectly clear that I will be posting from Bali in a few weeks, and those posts are likely to make you all SICK with JEALOUSY.

Don't be haters. Even though you ALL want to be there, being waited on hand and foot, sipping frosty cold draught Bintang and eating your body weight in delicious, delicious Indonesian food. With shopping and lying by the pool reading book after book thrown in. Oh, and sunset Mojito's and bottles of Veuve at Ku De Ta.

And there WILL be photos.

You've been warned.

OH HOW YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, CARIBOU BARBIE.

Oh, here is my laugh for this week.

Sarah Palin. I mean, she was my laugh for most of the US election, but now, NOW, she's all. "I'm resigning as Governor, cause, you know, it's all so POLITICAL and shit."

She may not have said "shit", exactly. She probably said something about being pro-life, or having a pregnant teenage daughter, and that being SO okay, or being a maverick, or shooting moose, or some shit like that.

So. What she's doing now is making me laugh EVEN MORE. You have to be kidding, you idiot. Do you really think, for a second, that you're gonna make a run at 2012? I mean, even if (hail) Obama absolutely fucks this term up (which he will not, we all know that), do you really think you'd have even the slightest chance? You're pretty, and all, but... do you not get how dumb we all think you are? How much we laughed our arses off at you? How much at least 80% of the WORLD would not allow you to put your cold, Alaskan finger on the button?

I know most Yanks are woefully broken in the international smarts department, but... PLEASE, bitch.

From The House of GRRRRRR.....

Lady GaGa. LMAO. I'm quite sure I don't know what the appeal is. For starters, her face is weirdly proportioned - I find her a bit off putting to look at; it's like there's something not quite right there but I'm not sure what it is. Her image confuses me - it's like Prince and Madonna had sex in 1985 with the guy from Cameo and Lady Gaga is what they produced. I'm SO sick of the assumption that slutty is sexy. It's not. It's just cheap and nasty and I'm no conservative. I suppose it's just too easy to be slutty looking - not so easy to be sexy. Those who have it, do it effortlessly - like Queen Latifah. She's sexy!
And musically, shit well you just have to look at how many singles they have released in such a short space of time and it ain't because they're all that good. It's is, simply put, adequate and average pop music. I mean if not her, it would be being spewed forth by some other person. But record labels aren't stupid. Greedy, but not stupid.
The real reason for the Glut of Gaga is that the labels are all too aware how fickle the music market is, especially pop music. If they don't strike while the iron is hot, they could potentially lose out on all those awesome $$$. Artists like Lady Gag-Me-With-A-Spoon are so disposable; so easily replaced but always, inevitably touted as THE NEXT BIG THING. They saturate the public through the media under the guise of TNBT but really it's about making hay while the sun shines.....whatever that means. ;)

Don't believe me?

Remember Vanessa Carlton? Vonda Shepard? Norah Jones?
Yeah - of course you do (I'm being overly generous here). Can you name they're latest hit? No you can't.

But those girls were not pop, more like navel-gazing 'serious' composition types. But I can go there.
Nick Lachey? Nick Carter? Jessica Simpson? 5ive? Vengaboys? Scott Cain?

Oh shit, I think I just keeled over laughing at that last one. But seriously - I had a hard time coming up with all those examples. Why? Because they are gone and forgotten but I still bet they all had die-hard fans who had them up on an inflated pedestal. OK, maybe not Scott Cain.

All i'm saying is before long Lady Gaga will be filling up the discount CD bins alongside other NEXT BIG THING's such as Baha Men, Eamon, Unkle Kracker and The Rembrandts.